CLINTON JOKES
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm. - - - -
Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation. - - - -
Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper
"Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton" - - - -
What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky?
"They told me she was the "head" intern!" - - - -
What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A small weenie in hot water. - - - -
What do Monica and Bill Clinon have most in common?
They're both going down. - - - -
Bill Clinton is a life member of Weight Watchers
He is thoroughly convinced that "Eating isn't cheating anymore". - - - -
Someone ask Clinton if he was going back to Arkansas after this is all over.
He said he thought he would stay in D.C. and poke around for a while. - - - -
What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a position at the U.N?
Would that, then, be a "missionary position?" - - - -
How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% responded "Not again!" - - - -
During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky"
Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky" - - - -
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
He just bends over the pages! - - - -
Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff - - - -
Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn't know that harass was one word. - - - -
Clinton Presidential Anthem --
Kneel to the Chief - - - -
Why is there no proof?
She swallowed the evidence. - - - -
What was Bill's rationalisation that oral sex is not a sexual encounter?
Because Monica did not swallow! - - - -
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth". - - - -
Why didn't Monica swallow?
Because that would be destruction of evidence. - - - -
Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff?
She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant. - - - -
What is Revlon calling it's new Presidential winter line for 1998?
Shades of the truth - - - -
Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview. - - - -
What was the White House Chief of Staff's reaction to the Lewinsky story?
Now I know why they kept calling Monica the "head" intern! - - - -
What's Hillary's new nickname for Bill's penis?
"The Titanic" - because over 1500 interns went down on it. - - - -
What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline?
Bush Beats Clinton - - - -
What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger - - - -
What's the difference between Gennifer, Paula, Monica & Hillary?
The first three prefer to sleep with men.
Clinton really has bad luck even besides all his female escapades. He was helping Monica with her computer and it went down on him too.
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton 97% gave the reply, Never Again!
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? A. The nation.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honour guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
"Hey Bill, I've got a perfect defense for your problem", says Vernon Jordan. "Oh yeah, what's that Vernon?", asks Bill. Vernon excitedly says, "Well you remember when you were being pressed about smoking pot and you told everyone that you didn't inhale?" Bill replied, "Yeah so what?" "Well you convinced everyone that you didn't actually smoke pot, so if we can convince Monica to say she didn't swallow...we've got a perfect defense".
There's a new game being played in Washington D.C... ...it's called swallow the leader.
What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair? "Pardon Me"
What's the difference between Nixon and Clinton? Deep Throat brought down Nixon, but Deep Throat WENT down on Clinton!
How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern? She's the one with the dirty knees.
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmark? He just bends over the pages! Why doesn't Monica eat bananas? She can't find the zipper.
President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition, I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
Realisation of from another White House intern... And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!
Why does Clinton think he's innocent, Because he didn't inhale the intern!
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON *SHOULD* HAVE GIVEN:
"Mr. Vice President. Mr. Speaker. Members of Congress. My Fellow Citizens. I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to bag are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an ageing baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Before him, Nixon coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
It goes without saying that Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John
Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been playing first Saxaphone here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of cocaine, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where their next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my willie showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter (unless, of course, she's a hottie with big hair and thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it). In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
God bless the United States and Thank God for little girls. Good night.
Subject: Monica's Diary
Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House....and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.
Entry 2 Dear Diary, You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
Entry 3 Dear Diary, I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.
Entry 4 Dear Diary, He really likes me.
Entry 5 Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)
Entry 6 Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
Entry 7 Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.
Entry 8 Dear Diary, Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.
Entry 9 Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
Entry 10 Dear Diary, I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
Entry 11 Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.
Entry 12 Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
Entry 13 Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.
Entry 14 Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no brainer!)
Entry 15 Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
Entry 16 Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.
Entry 17 Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
Entry 18 Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!
Entry 19 Dear Diary, I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy, and my most favorite -- Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.
WASHINGTON WEEK
Summary of the week's news reporting of the Zippergate scandal. In the aftermath of the initial administration responses to the breaking story, it seems apparent that Mr. Clinton has left a bad taste in Lewinsky's mouth. A growing majority are finding the president's story hard to swallow, noting that it appears quite evident that Monica was influenced by some sort of presidential "gag order." The First Lady, the recognised steward of the president's power base, is reported to be afraid that Lewinsky has blown everything. Vernon Jordan is reported to have suggested that Ms Lewinsky approach the president with a stiff upper lip for the time being, and is quite upset at how much damage her wagging tongue seems to have done. Meanwhile, the White House staff is engaged in a furious search for Richard Nixon's tape erasing machine, last seen on loan to the offices of the Rose law firm in Little Rock. In an effort of goodwill, however, the administration has extended an invitation to Ms Lewinsky for an exclusive guided tour of the capital city's national parks one night next week. Ms Lewinsky's attorney has chided the mainstream media for taking out of context a comment by her close friends that she once said she wanted to head the Oval Office someday. Defending his client as a victim, he said that "...this oral sex thing really has her choked up, you know." Mr. Starr, the independent prosecutor investigating the case, remains unmoved, and has made it clear that to avoid criminal liability herself, Ms Lewinsky will be required to give a complete blow-by-blow description of her relationship with Mr. Clinton. Chelsea Clinton, when asked for her opinion of the woman who stands to dethrone her father, simply replied "she sucks!" In a related story, a truck bomb scare in the front driveway of the White House resulted in the evacuation of the building until Secret Service agents ascertained that the Ryder van parked in the drive was just Tipper Gore waiting out front with her furniture. Subject Application for a White House Internship
INTERN STUFF
Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president.... Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at:
Name
Hometown
Sex F__
Age
Measurements (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you:
Giggly
Drunk
Hot
To lie to a federal prosecutor
Quick quiz
You've always considered the White House
Hillary Clinton is a(n)
You've always wanted to know more about the President's
My social life as an intern would likely consist of
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
JUST A MATTER OF TIME
Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check, the paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton and they stop to chat. Pope "Sorry about the mix up." Clinton "No problem." Pope "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." Clinton "Why's that?" Pope "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary." Clinton "You're a day late."
MORE WASHINGTON WEEK
This is day three of Jailbate-gate for President Clinton-or as they are calling him now-the Unabanger.
Only President Clinton could divert attention from a sex scandal with another sex scandal.
Hillary's new book is entitled "It takes a Global Village to Keep an Eye on My Husband"
The president said "a year and a half affair with Lewinsky would have been impossible-I would have become bored and cheated on her after six months."
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? They were both upset when Bill finished first.
What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town.
So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come.
"One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
TURMOIL ROCKED HEAVEN
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorra was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.