A LOAD OF OLD BALLS
A British General had sent his men to fight for Britain during the Falkland's crisis. Upon the British victory he called in three of his soldiers who especially distinguished themselves for bravery above and beyond the call of duty. "Since this skirmish was not classified as a war" the General began, "I am not authorised to award you the medals that you so rightly deserve". "However" he continued, "we wanted to let you know that Her Majesty appreciates the heroic deeds you chaps undertook on Her behalf". "What Her Majesty has offered is a monetary reward of £2 for each inch of distance between any two points you choose on your bodies". "We'll start with you soldier, what'll it be"?
Soldier 1: "From the tip of me head to the bottom of me feet..... SAHRRRRRR".
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to £140".
Soldier 2: "From the tip of me outstretched hand to the tip of me other ..... SAHRRRRRR".
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to £144".
Soldier 3: "From the tip of me penis to me testicles........SAHRRRRR".
General: "Are you sure son" the general asked? Soldier 3: "Yes SAHRRRRR!
"General: "OK son let's see what you've got, drop those trousers ". As the General begins his measurement he exclaims "My God son, where are your testicles?"
Soldier 3: "I lost them in the Falklands.........SAHRRRRRRR!"
OLD LADY'S 3 WISHES
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF ***
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF ***
She turns into a beautiful young woman . "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
BUBBA's BITS
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...' Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with new-found confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, 'Bubba, is that you?"
"MEN'S MINDS"
A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy bitch."
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ." She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance.
LAST RIGHTS
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
PLUMBER's MATE
A woman called a plumber to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and, during the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"
SAD STORY
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
A LOAD OF BALLS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
ON THE BUSES
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle". She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads, "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads, "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers. The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled, You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've missed your bus...".
TOP 22 INSURANCE FORM STATEMENTS
These quotes were found in the July 26, 1977 issue of the Toronto News. They are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetence can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road so I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LoGGiNg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH
WeEK. theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".
STAYING IN TOUCH
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear NOel,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and please kNOw you can never study eNOugh. That's all
for NOw. See you in NOvember for Thanksgiving.
Love and HoNOr,
Dad
DRINK TO YOUR HEALTH
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. As they are leaving, the s hocked son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS TO LIVE.....
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he ask her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex. 4 hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" Well, she turns to him with a aggravated look on her face and says, "You know.. You don't have to get up in the morning. I DO!"
WELFARE OFFICE
A woman went down to the local Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten", she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy", she answered. "They're all named LeRoy," he asked? "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy", she said. "I just call 'LeRoy', and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?", he asked. "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'", she answered. "But what if you just want one to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "Then I just use their last name."
EGGSACTLY
So you think your life is bad. Just think how bad the life of the egg is... You only get laid once! You only get eaten once! It takes 4 minutes to get hard 2 minutes to get soft You have to share a box with 11 other guys And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother. (Now don't you feel better)
FATHER FORGIVE ME...
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." "What have you done Tommy O'Connor?" "I had sex with a girl." "Who was it, Tommy?" "I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin." "Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was." "Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please forgive me for my sin." "Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe." "No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay, Tommy. Go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin." So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph waswaiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph. "Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear