BEST END OF REDNECK
An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 10th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Alabama redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The Alabama redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Alabama redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
THE ORIGIN OF MAN'S SEX LIFE
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?", but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said that of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said that yes he could. This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
CAT HEAVEN
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"
A MANBASHING SESSION
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain? A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men? A. Bonds Mature.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish? A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. What did god say after creating man? A. I can do better.
Q. Husband: Want a quickie? A. Wife: As opposed to what?
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins? A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. A. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
Q. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A. A man's undivided attention.
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q. How is a man like a snowstorm? A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. Why are men like laxatives? A. They irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America? A. A tourist.
Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? A. To keep them from grazing.
Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because they already have boyfriends.
Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? A. He had it bronzed.
Q. Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men? A. It has the same centrefold every month.
Q. Why did God give women nipples? A. To make suckers out of men.
Q. Why do men like to play Pinball? A. It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.
Q. Why do men like masturbation? A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? A. Two ways to cross a river.
Q. What is gross stupidity? A. 144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex? A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry? A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Q. Why did god create man? A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? A. To keep the swelling down.
Q. Why do men love computers? A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub? A. 9 out of 10 men can find a pub
Q. How do you keep a man from drowning? A. A Take your foot of his head!
Q. What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis? A. A man
Q. Why do men like love at first sight? A. It saves them a lot of time.
Q. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A. *Dating* children.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Glue the TV remote between his ankles.
Q. What kind of clothes are there? A. Woman: Clean & Dirty Man: Clean, Almost Clean, Sorta Clean, Not bad, Dirty, Really Dirty, Funky, Nasty, Biohazard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises? A. They stay stuck in adolescence.
Q. How do men buy lingerie for a woman? A. He throws it on the floor to see if it looks good, because that's where he wants to see it anyway.
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? A. All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? A. At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q. How can you tell if your man is kinky? A. He uses a feather in bed. Q. How can you tell if your man is perverted? A. He uses the whole chicken.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. How are men and dogs alike? A. If they can't eat it or screw it, then they just piss on it.
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Q. What would men do if they had breasts? A. They'd stay at home and play with them all day.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. What is the difference between a puppy and a man? A. Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?? A1. You only have to punch the data into a computer once. A2. A Computer will go down on you without dinner and a movie. A3. You can not put a 3.5" floppy in a woman A4. ...and a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds...
Q. How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
Q. How many men does it take to put a roll of toilet paper on the hanger? A. No one knows... its never happened
Q. Why did cavemen drag their woman around by their hair? A. Coz if they dragged them around by their ankles, they'd fill up full of dirt
Q: What does an elephant say to a naked man? A: "How can you breathe through that thing?"
Q. What's the difference between a man and a toilet? A. A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
Q. How do you grow your own dope? A. Plant a man.
Q. Why do men have penises? A. They certainly can't be admired for their brains.
Q. Why is it better for a woman to have bigger breasts than brains? A. Because men see better than they think.
Q. Why are men jokes only two lines long? A. So YOU'll be able to understand them.
Q. What is the thinnest book in the world? A. "What men know about women"
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Just One. Men will screw anything.
Q. How do men take bubble baths? A. They eat beans for dinner.
Q. Why do men scratch their balls in the morning? A. Because they can.
Q. What do you call a man with an IQ of 50? A. Gifted!
Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay? A1. One hour of begging. A2. "Brace yourself, Linda Lou." A3. "Get in the truck, Darlin'."
Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common? A. They're both empty from the neck up.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares...
Q. Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?? A. Because they ARE stupid....!
Q. How are men and parking lots alike? A. The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left, are handicapped....
Q. What is the difference between a shopping trolley and a man? A. A shopping trolley has a mind of it own..
Q. What is a man's idea of helping with the cleaning? A. Lifting his feet for the vacuum cleaner.
Q. What is a man's idea of a seven course meal? A. Hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Q. What is the difference between Antarctica and a clitoris? A. More men have been to Antarctica...
Q. How many legs does a chicken have? . . . A. . . Two. Right. Q. And how many wings does a chicken have? . . . A. . . Yes. Two. right again. Q. Well how many beaks does a chicken have?. . . A. . . One. got it. Q. How many bones does a cat have? . . . A. . . Typical man. Knows everything about cock and nothing about pussy.
Q. Why is a cucumber a better date than a man? A. The cucumber doesn't make you sleep on the wet spot.
Q. Why does psychotherapy work so quickly on men? A. Because when it comes to the part when you take them back to their childhood, they're already there.
Q. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? A. To get to the other bride.
THE WOMAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING
An old maid was overheard saying to a friend, "I've got a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes and a cat that stays out all night. Why would I want a husband?"
LAST RITES
Armed by a pep talk from a stranger he'd met at a bar, a man went home and bellowed to his wife, "From now on, I'm the king of this castle. My word is law. When I want to eat, you'll run in and cook. When I want my bath, you start the water. We can start right now. Lay out my tuxedo because I'm going out. Alone! And do you know who's going to tie my black tie?" His wife said softly, "The undertaker!"
CROSSED LINE
Elsa had a new neighbour with whom she became quite friendly. In a discussion over coffee, the neighbour told Elsa how much she admired her husband's piety. "I watch him every morning when he gets in your car to drive to the office," the neighbour said. "He's so pious and starts his day with a blessing." "Thank you so much," Elsa said to her neighbour, "but you got it all wrong. What my husband does, when he gets in the car, is not a blessing, but a check to see that he's got his glasses, his cigarettes, and that he's zipped."
AH YES I REMEMBER IT WELL
Husband: We have been married five years and haven't agreed on a thing. Wife: You're wrong again. It has been six years.
SOCK IT TO ME
A young, wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Cancun. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his chagrin, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to his hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a nightclub. So he goes to a club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asks, "man, what's your secret?" The old man replies: "I saw you on the beach today, and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your Speedo." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he saunters out to the beach, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course. That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip: "Next time, son, put the socks in the FRONT of your shorts.
MULTIPLIER EFFECT
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour. The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!" The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!" "Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!" When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong. "What's wrong?! The poor man responded, "I work for Seven-Up!" Another expectant father says, "You think that you have it bad??? I'm from the THOUSAND ISLANDS!
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT......
Maternity leave would last for two years, with full pay. There'd be a cure for stretch marks. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem. All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent in effectiveness. Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained. Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment. They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute. Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm. Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags. They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him." Paternity suits would be a line of clothes. They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months. Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree. Women would rule the world!
A FISHY TAIL
There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done. Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done." And he became a woman.
HUNG UP
A man walks into a bar and there's a guy standing there with a sign that says: "Make me laugh and win a thousand dollars." So the man goes up to the guy whispers something in his ear, and the guy starts laughing. The man collects his money from the bartender and leaves. A year later, the man returns to the bar. The same guy is standing there, but the sign reads "Make me cry and win a thousand dollars." So the man goes over to the guy, and when he comes back, the guy is in tears. The man goes over to the bartender to collect his money. The bartender asks him, "What did you do to make that guy laugh the first time and then cry the second time?" The man says, "The first time I told him that my dick was bigger than his. The second time I showed him."
THE SANDMAN
A young man discovers to his horror that he has a serious rash on his penis. He immediately goes to the doctor who tells him: Sonny, that's the worst case of jock rash I've ever seen. You'll have to use this cream on it, and it would be best if you also exposed it to sunlight for a couple of hours to be sure to kill the fungus that's growing on it. Taking the doctor's advice as gospel, the young man uses the cream, and to his delight the rash starts to clear. Following the doctor's next piece of advice, he goes to the beach. Looking around, he sees that the coast is clear and takes off his clothes. Suddenly he hears voices, but not wanting to give up the sun treatment, he quickly digs a hole and buries all of himself except his infected organ which he leaves sticking up through the sand (he breathes through a reed that he's broken off from a plant). His action is just in the nick of time. No sooner has he disappeared into his hole when two old women come walking along the beach. One of them notices the strange object sticking up through the sand. She pulls her friend over and starts to cluck at the sight: "You know Sadie, when I was young I was curious about it. In my prime I started to enjoy it. As I matured I sought after it. When I started to age I even paid for it. Now, just my luck, it's growing wild and I'm too old to bend down!!"
WISH BONE
Two friends were out playing golf one day, let's call them George and Pete. George has a mighty swipe at the ball and lo and behold scores a hole in one ... on the fly. When they reach the green, there, floating over the hole is a Genie, who says, "George, for the hole in one on the fly you get one wish" George contemplates the situation for a nanosecond and replies, "I want a monstrous member" "It's yours" the Genie replies, then disappears. As Pete and George continue to the next hole George's old fella commences to grow and grow, to the point where it's dragging along the ground....and still it grows. George (with his vitals covered in grass stains, friction burns, gravel rash and hungry ants) can't go on. "You'll have to go back and hit another hole in one, on the fly" says Pete. So back they go and as this is a story, George of course repeats his previous effort. The Genie reappears and says. "OK. Same deal, what's the wish" George gazes down at the scarred and disfigured monstrosity slumped on the ground beneath him and replies............."Longer legs"
MORE BALLS
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the speciality of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replies the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallows hard but tastes the dish and thinks it is delicious.
So, he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.
After the tourist finishes his meal, the waiter asks, "Senor, how was your dinner?"
The tourist responds, "It was great! But I noticed these cojones, or whatever you call them, are much smaller than the ones I had last night."
"Yes, senor," replies the waiter, "You see, the bull, he does not always lose."
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE...?
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
If you're looking for a lady using the Classified Ads, here's a dictionary:
CODE WORD (MEANS)
Adventurous (Has had more partners than you ever will)
Affectionate (Possessive)
Artist (Unreliable)
Athletic (Flat-chested)
Average-looking (Ugly)
Beautiful (Pathological liar)
Commitment-minded (Pick out curtains, now!)
Communication important (Just try to get a word in edgewise)
Contagious Smile (Bring your penicillin)
Educated (College dropout)
Emotionally Secure (Medicated)
Employed (Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home)
Enjoys art and opera (Snob)
Enjoys Nature (Bring your own granola)
Exotic Beauty (Would frighten a Martian)
Free spirit (Substance user)
Friendship first (Trying to live down reputation as slut)
Fun (Annoying)
Gentle (Comatose)
Good Listener (Borderline Autistic)
Humorous (Caustic)
Intuitive (Your opinion doesn't count)
In Transition (Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills)
Light drinker (Lush)
Looks younger (If viewed from far away in bad light)
Loves Travel (If you're paying)
Loves Animals (Cat lady)
Mature (Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did)
New-Age (All body hair, all the time)
Non-traditional (Ex-husband lives in the basement)
Old-fashioned (Lights out, missionary position only)
Open-minded (Desperate)
Outgoing (Loud)
Passionate (Loud)
Petite (Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins)
Poet (Depressive Schizophrenic)
Professional (Bitch)
Redhead (Shops on the Clairol aisle)
Reliable (Frumpy)
Reubenesque (Grossly Fat)
Romantic (Looks better by candlelight)
Self-employed (Jobless)
Smart (Insipid)
Special (Rode the short school bus)
Spiritual (Involved with a cult)
Stable (Boring)
Tall, thin (Anorexic)
Tan (Wrinkled)
Wants Soulmate (One step away from stalking)
Widow (Nagged first husband to death)
Writer (Pompous)
Young at heart (Toothless crone)
"MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD (MEANS)
40-ish (52 in search of 23 year-old)
Affectionate (Needy and looking for a mother-figure)
Artist (Fragile ego badly in need of massage)
Athletic (Sits on the couch and watches ESPN)
Average looking (Unusual hair growth in ears, nose, and on back)
Distinguished-looking (Fat, grey, and bald)
Educated (Will always treat you like an idiot)
Employed (On management track at Radio Shack)
Financially Secure (I will spend some money on you if I must, for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life-in return.)
Free Spirit (Will sleep with your sister)
Friendship first (As long as friendship involves nudity)
Fun (Quick with the remote and a six pack)
Good looking (Arrogant dickhead)
Honest (Pathological Liar)
Huggable (Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben)
ISO Slim, attractive female (Would be better off with a labrador retriever)
Light drinker (I attend AA every week)
Likes to cuddle (Insecure, overly dependent)
Likes romantic walks on beach (I read Cosmo once and know this is what to say if I wanna get laid.)
Mature (Until you get to know him)
Open-minded (Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit (I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself)
Poet (Will write a poem on the bathroom wall while constipated)
Professional (Owns a tie that mom picked out)
Reliable (Punctual... give or take a couple of hours)
Self-employed (Same as for women, plus eat nachos all weekend)
Sensitive (Needy)
Smart (Thinks "Men Behaving Badly" is "the wittiest show ever!"
Spiritual (Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter)
Stable (Occasional stalker, but never convicted)
Thoughtful (Will say "Please" when demanding a beer)
Virile (Can read three Penthouse Forums without passing out)
Young at heart (Pedophile)
YOU BET
One day a little old lady went into the Bank of Canada, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
THE TOOTH FAIRY
Dear ______________: Thank you for leaving the tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care( ) other: Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy
SAN FRANCISCO
You know you live in San Francisco when . . .
Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings - and none are visible. When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think steak. You think danger. You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live. You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent. You keep a list of companies to boycott. You would never dream of crossing a picket line. You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. You realise there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California State Flags. The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay, The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay. Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call and ask do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend? You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest. You can't remember...Is pot still illegal? You go to your office manager's baby shower - the parent's are named Judy and Becky. You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper sticker-and you mean it. You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it. A really great parking spot can move you to tears. You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV - the guys are much hotter! You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio. A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don't notice. You still can't believe a company doesn't offer domestic partner benefits. You curse those damn tourists -but always stop to help a cute guy or gal who is looking puzzled at a city map. When you drive under an underpass - for one moment you think "earthquake". Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers" ... it's the first time you have seen him nude. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze". You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay. You are thinking of taking an adult ed class - but you can't decide between a Yoga Channeling or Building Your Web Site class. Your new neighbour goes to temple-but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist. You realise the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't." breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do? " "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!"
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
ILLUMINATING STORY
This married couple was vacationing in Washington D.C. and staying at the Watergate Hotel. The first night there, Hubby gets amorous but wifey isn't having anything to do with it. "I know that this is the Watergate and I know that this room is probably bugged. I can't make love in a room that is bugged." No amount of convincing could change her mind and she became so convinced that the room was bugged she got up and started moving pictures, plates, checking under lamp shades and generally giving the room a good going over. She then even pulled the carpet back and, just as hubby was about to object, she found a 12 inch square plate screwed into the floor. "Ah ha!" she said. "I knew this room was bugged. This is probably one of those high tech listening devices. Why else would they screw it to the floor and hide it under the carpet. If you want to fool around you'll have to get rid of this." So hubby gets up, grabs his Swiss army knife, removes the screws and tosses the plate out the window. Then they spend the evening making wonderful passionate love. The next morning, there's a knock at the door and the Hotel manager is there, delivering their breakfast. He starts asking questions of the couple like, "Did you have a quiet evening? Was your dinner last evening satisfactory? Has your stay in our hotel been to your satisfaction thus far? Is there anything at all I or my staff can do to make your stay more enjoyable?" Now the hubby is getting suspicious and asks, "Well, yes. You can tell me why you're delivering our breakfast instead of your wait staff, and why all these questions?" The manager replied, "You might call it damage control or public relations. I need to make sure all of our guests are satisfied and happy. It seems last night, in the room right below you, the couple had their chandelier fall from the ceiling!"