SORE POINT
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have THREE girls coming over tonight. I never had three girls at once, I need something so I can stay hard. Keep me potent, ya know?" The pharmacist looks around, reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you take this just before you have to perform you'll go NUTS for twelve hours!" The guy says "Gimme three boxes". So the guy shows up at the pharmacy the next day, walks up to the counter and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror, as he notices the man's penis is black and blue and the skin's hanging off in places. The man says "Gimme a bottle of BENGAY Jr." To which the pharmacist replies "BENGAY? You're not going to put BENGAY on that are you?" The guy shakes his head "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".
GATES OF HEAVEN
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division.
"Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including
* Microsoft Crusades This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha, Hindu or Shinto.
* Microsoft God for the World Wide Web This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be made via a Secure Alms Server.
* Microsoft Prayer Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
* Microsoft Saviour This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
* Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complementary products for the new Religions line which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customisable user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshipers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. Pre-configured interfaces provided will include Microsoft Protestantism (with sub-modules for Microsoft Baptist, Microsoft Methodist, Microsoft Lutheran, Microsoft Episcopalian, Microsoft Presbyterian, Microsoft Evangelical, and Microsoft Fundamentalist), Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Saviour), and Microsoft Islam.
Competitor Netscape Communications had no comment other than suggesting that the FTC should examine this acquisition closely for monopolistic and monotheistic tendencies.
PROFANE MEANING
There was a big construction job going on right next to the Catholic Church, and, as is the usual case, the construction workers were not too careful about their language. The sisters at the church stood it for as long as they could but Mother Superior could finally handle it no more. She went directly to the site foreman to register her complaint and to demand that the workers be more careful and considerate in their language. The foreman listened to her complaint and said, "Well, you realise, Sister, that these men are construction workers and they tend to call a spade a spade." Mother Superior shot back, "They do not, they tend to call it a 'fucking shovel!"
NEW VIRUSES ATTACK...
Lorena Bobbit Virus turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Tonya Harding Virus Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Paul Revere Virus Warns of an impending virus infection 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C\
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg, bills you through her law firm, and erases all details of the transaction.
Ollie North Virus Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files
Joey Buttafuaco Virus Only attacks minor files
Ronald Reagan Virus Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Jane Fonda Virus Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
Oprah Winfrey virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot Virus Virus Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
Government Economist Virus Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Bill Clinton Virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer, then erases all history files.
Adam and Eve Virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
Congressional Virus #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Airline Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or, becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
PBS Virus Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus Your programs can never be found again
LAPD Virus It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
O.J. Virus It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
SMART PROF
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s."
DARK SUCKERS
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilised to man’s advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognised this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
MIHI STERCUS TAURI SIMILITER SONAT!
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer, who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
THE DARWIN AWARDS
Announcing this month's instalment of the DARWIN awards. Given posthumously to the idiot (or idiots) whom are so kind as to thin the gene pool by ridding us of them through the process Charles Darwin called NATURAL SELECTION!
Runner up..
Last February 3, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver.
In Moscow, Russia -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it protected him against the knife. It didn't - - and the 25 year old guard died of a heart wound. (Isn't it good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the awards?)
AND the WINNER!!!!!!!
Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died of exposure!!!
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator California. With gun in lap L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the centre of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?)
Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely state can attest) ###
ONLY IF MEN COULD SET THE RULES
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done
not both.
Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
PEANUTS
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the "PEANUTS" gang made a new friend who developed leukaemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?" Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the "PEANUTS" gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some "PEANUTS" specials for the kids of the '90s?
* We could learn about V.D. in, "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN."
* Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in,"IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!"
* Is Linus gay? Find out in, "IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN."
* Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, "YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN!"
* See how the "PEANUTS" gang deals with date rape in, "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"
* Discover a father's forbidden love in, "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN."
* Franklin speaks! The "PEANUTS" gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN!"
* What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, "Mr. Clean" in, "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN."
* Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN!"
MORE DARWIN AWARDS
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award
It's an annual honour given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS
(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
(4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."
GATES OF HEAVEN AGAIN
Bill Gates goes to Hell Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked. "I'll leave that up to you." God replied. "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven." "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed. "How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????" "Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."
PIPPED
A local bar here in South Branch was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "Okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
SMART HOOKERS
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the same area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00."
WE TAKE MORE CARE OF YOU
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird). Speedbird "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active Ground "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going." Speedbird "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now. Ground (with typical German impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird (coolly) "Yes, in 1944, but only in the dark and I didn't stop
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER To get to the other side
PLATO For the greater good
ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross roads
KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability
TIMOTHY LEARY Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take
SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it
RONALD REAGAN I forget
CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before
HIPPOCRATES Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas
JACK NICHOLSON 'cause it *expletive deleted* wanted to. That's the *expletive deleted* reason.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was solution Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful
LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you see, represents the black man the chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question
MOSES And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M NIXON The chicken did not cross the road I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road
MACHIAVELLI The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
OLIVER STONE The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference
BUDDHA Asking this question denies your own chicken nature
RALPH WALDO EMERSON The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it
ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain
COLONEL SANDERS One of mine?
GATE'S DILEMMA
Brussels police department, how may I assist you?" "Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie." "Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?" "No" "Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?" "Bill Gates" "Country?" "The USA" "Native language?" "English" "Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?" "Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie." "We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?" "Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie." "Have you visited the Prime Minister before?" "Yes" "Were you hit in the face with a pie then?" "No" "Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?" "Yes" "Any pies then?" "No" "Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait." "Just a minute.." <several minutes pass "Okay, I'm back." "Did you get hit by another pie?" "Of course not" "Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. <click."
REPENT YE, THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalogue OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated GAME OVER
Wired THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest 'BYE
Discover Magazine HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide DEATH AND DAMNATION NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
Inc. magazine TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
America Online SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
DUMB BLOKE
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and pushes you back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. So second man opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "But what the heck!" He proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, but he doesn't come back up he just keeps on falling. His speed downward increases to nearly 200 miles per hour as each floor of the enormous building whizzes by in a blur. Finally... splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
HAPPY LANDINGS
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the aeroplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE?
A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot. "Hey honey," she called to her husband, "the dryer's broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like?" he called back, "the Kenmore repairman?"
A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Hey Honey, the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like, the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.
A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey, I can't fix dinner, the oven broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like, an oven repair man?"
A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?"
"Well," the wife replied, "you know Charlie next door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
"What kind of cake did you make him?"
"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
CONTRACTORS
Three contractors were touring the Whitehouse on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
THE 10 ABSOLUTE WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!!
WHAT AM I????
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
What am i??????? As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own.......... .....toothbrush......... What were you thinking? You pervert!
A COMMON AGRICULTURAL POLICY
Subject Hogs and Such...
Subject Honorable Sec of Agric
TO Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an aeroplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours, Morgan
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
TO DO LIST
FROM MARTHA STEWART'S Thanksgiving-January To Do List
1. Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew. Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.
2. Outfit neighbourhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.
3. Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air. This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall, they will release a fresh, cheery scent.
4. Organise your spice rack by genus and phylum.
5. When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you don't know.