JACK SCHITT

I heard you don't know Jack Schitt. Let me tell you all about him. Lately, I've noticed that people are always saying to me, "You don't know Jack Schitt?" Well, I finally got tired of hearing this so I decided to do some research.

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and his wife, Aw. Schitt.

Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Aw who later ran the Knee Deep Inn. The Schitts lived beside a creek that wound through their property, which was named Schitt Creek. Not much is known about O. Schitt's parents, except that they lived further up Schitt Creek, beside the fertilizer plant. To get to the old home place, you have to go by boat using a pole for propulsion because there is no paddle.

O's dad, Dam Schitt, was married to a fine lady named Luck, who was nicknamed Lucky. Therefore, O. Schitt became the first Schitt outta Luck. Jack Schitt married his high school sweetheart, Noe, and they had six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy, passed on shortly after birth. Next came two sons, Deep and Dip. Later came their daughters, Giva and Fulla.

When Deep Schitt grew up, he married and had a son Dumb (a high school dropout). Deep's brother, Dip Schitt and Dip's wife, Lotta, gave birth to a son whom they named Chicken. Fulla Schitt married one of the Happens boys, and chose to hyphenate her last name, thus the Schitt-Happens side of the family. Giva Schitt never married but has three sons, Dawg, Byrd, and Bull Schitt. Bull Schitt married a spicy number named Pisa, and Bull and Pisa Schitt are now awaiting the birth of their first child, Little Schitt!

And that is the family tree.

Now when someone tells you, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can say, "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but I know the whole darn family!"

3 Deaths

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't falloff. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure that I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best that I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

PHONE CALL

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord! "The Rabbi is sceptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi tries it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges. "The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Alright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap? "The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS

"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson

The Difference between Reality and Dilbert

Human Rights Advances in China

"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

Al Gore: The Wild Years

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

Detroit. A Travel Guide

Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Easy UNIX

Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

French Hospitality

"The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

"How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

"One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA

Staple Your Way to Success

The Amish Phone Directory

The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

BILL GATES

Car Man At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we should all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gallon. "Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought"Car95" or "Car NT." But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The air bag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

 

BOGGED DOWN

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either.

MEN

Never do housework No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

If they can put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all there.

Never let your man's mind wander its too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men)

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

Women don't make fools of men most of them are the do it yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

Women sleep with men, who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him 'You may be, you look familiar".

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a former boyfriend.

OFFICE QUOTES

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

A LESSON IN HUMILITY

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

PROTECTION EXCEPTION

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded: System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error: Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error: Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted: System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error: Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error: Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window: Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered: Only God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow: Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space: Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error: More Ram needed. More! More! More!...

WinErr: 00D Window closed: Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open: Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error: Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error: Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked: Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error: System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error: Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten: Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. (Snicker)

WinErr: 01B Illegal error: You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error: Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D System crash: We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E Timing error: Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes: Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042 Virus error: A virus has been activated in a DOS box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found: A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow: Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error: Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory: Only 50.312.583 Bytes available and

WinErr: 625 Working Error: The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes. Please reboot.

WinErr: 902 Screen Error: The system is working perfectly, Windows is not lying, your monitor is wrong.

WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt: Hang on, WHAT was that?

WinErr: 72b Memory Error: What? Tell Windows again.

WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: Although your disk is in perfect condition (Windows just formatted it), Windows didn't like it any more.

WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error: The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimised, so Windows had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.

WinErr: 294 Blackmail Error: Send $200 to Gates or your computer will get so messed up it will never work again.

WinErr: 394 Memory Error: You have been attempting to run this on a Pentium 200 with 128 MB of RAM. That is not good enough.

WinErr: 872 Windows can't be bothered doing that.

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