DI PARTS
Hear about the guy who died, and went to heaven? He's talking to St Peter and asks, when do I get my halo? St Peter replies, "Well they're reserved for folks who've been dead for at least 5 yrs, and have a good track record in heaven". The guy replies, well how come Princess Di's got one, she's only been dead a year!
St Peter says, "Don’t be silly, that's not a halo, it's a steering wheel!"
FUNNY BUNNIES
Three male rabbits escape from a laboratory. Run as fast as they can. They come to a field and just can't believe their eyes...full of carrot's!
Off they go and just munch away till they physically can't handle any more. Stuffed to the brim they pass out. When they awake the next morning they decide to try out the next field.
You're joking... it's full of female rabbits! No words required...they just shagged until they had absolutely no energy left. After hours of it they all stop.
The first rabbit says to the second "Phew...you alright?".
Second rabbit replies "Mate...that's made me so hungry again...I'm going back to the carrots...you?"
First rabbit replies "I staying here mate! I'm well up for more fanny"
They then turn to the third rabbit who says "Sod that! I'm going back to the labs...I'm dying for a fag!!!!"
PIGS IN A POKE
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc....
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead. lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck. drives them out into the woods. has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around. he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself. and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home. falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No." she says. "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
WHO'S ON START......
Costello: Hey. Abbott!
Abbott: Yes. Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou, What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266. with 40 Megs of RAM. a 2.1 Gig hard drive. and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I'm here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you're a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well. I don't know . . .
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on. but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So. here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well. first you press the Start button, and then . . .
Costello: No. I told you I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know. you press the Start button . . .
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbott: Well. Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer. press . . .
Costello: Don't say. "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer. I am willing to Press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
HOLE IN ONE
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking or a golf ball.
TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS PLAYING GOLF OR TAKING A LEAK IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please, while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
OFFICE PRAYER
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
NEAR MISS
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest. "I almost had an affair with a woman." The priest asks. "What do you mean. 'almost'?" "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies. "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again.
Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers. and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment, then starts to leave. The priest quickly runs over to him and says. "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
"Well, Father. I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."
SCIENTIFIC JARGON
After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned scientific jargon. The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES"... He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.
"IN MY EXPERINCE"... Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of other guys think so too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJETION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Bolts did the work and Ms. Shaeffer explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
THE RUB
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks. buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically. the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. "Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years." he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
BANK STATEMENT
A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk. "Nice tits love. I want to open a fucking bank account." "I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier. "Listen you dumb bitch." he says. "I want to open a fucking bank account!" "I'm sorry sir." she says, her bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that." And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. They both return to the window and the manager asks stiffly. "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no fucking problem." the man insists. "I just won 10 million on the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking bank account!"
"I see sir." the manager quickly replies. "And this cunt's giving you a hard time. is she?"
THE RULES OF ALTERNATIVE GOLF
1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2.Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf. the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6.The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing. to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily. at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting. to play the same hole several times in one visit.
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player and will handicap them accordingly.
17. It is generally considered bad form to leave the course immediately after play. At the discretion of the course owner, players should be prepared to spend time, after the match, to relax and reflect on both the course quality as well as the game performance. The subject of future matches and course exclusivity may be discussed at this time. Players may, however. in some instances, be limited to single matches only, especially in cases of public courses or extremely poor match etiquette.
18. Variations to singles matches may take place at the course owners discretion. For example. prior arrangements may sometimes be made for foursomes or four ball matches to take place.
19. In the case of public courses, course fees are to be determined by mutual agreement between the players.
20. The course owner has absolute authority in determining local rules concerning such aspects as water hazards, areas out of play, rewards for enterprising strokes and punishment when requested by guilty players.
FAIRY STORIES
A drunken fellow was in a pumpkin field having sex with a pumpkin that he had just drilled a fresh hole into.
Apparently, he was having a very good time until one of the local police cars drove up. It was an awkward situation for the female officer. but she felt compelled to ask the man. "Excuse me sir. but why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
Somewhat shocked and confused. the man looked at the pumpkin and asked. "Damn..... is it midnight already???"
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later. Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him. "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied. "Who needs a girlfriend?
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey. "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied. "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red. I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying. "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears. and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince. Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember. exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hot does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not. you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But. we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Don't bad-mouth her family/friends/job-even if she does.
49. Listen.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
GO BETWEEN
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
SLIP UP
There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude. As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl. who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told.
Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either. When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.
It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two. "What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?" "No" replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."
LIES. DAMN LIES AND STATISTICIANS
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds. One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?" "No. I flew" "What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?" Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1.000.000) x (1/1.000.000). This is a very, very small probability. which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
SEX & MARRIAGE
There are three kinds of sex in a marriage. The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen. The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom. The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you." There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.
FLIGHTS OF FANCY
Elle McPherson, Helena Christensen and Naomi Campbell were on their first plane flight together. In the middle of the flight. the pilot warns them of severe storms and the worst weather conditions and the possibility that the plane may crash.
They all rush to put their seat-belts on, and Elle is busy unbuttoning her blouse and showing her cleavage. Helena and Naomi look at her surprised and ask her what she is doing. Elle said. "Well. if the plane crashes, and we go down, when the rescuers come down, they will notice my lovely breasts and rescue me first."
Helena then gets out her compact and starts putting on her make up and brushes her hair. Elle and Naomi ask her what she's doing, and say it's a waste of time, especially since they are going to crash. Helena then said. "well, when the plane crashes and we go down, and the rescuers arrive, they will notice that I am the most beautiful girl, and they will rescue me first."
To Elle's and Helena's shock and horror, Naomi undoes her seat belt and starts to pull her pants down, and then slips her panties off. The girls ask Naomi what she is doing, and she said: "God you guys are dumb, everyone knows that the first thing the rescuers look for after a Plane crash is the Black Box"
MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98. DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec). and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels. future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor. TitElation. and J*rkOff.
OPERATIONOnly one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message. - It is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKSUsability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.
CONCLUSIONContraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software. that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore. Un-interruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."
LAST RITE
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home all at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first guy said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scattering his ashes in to the clouds." The second guy said. "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favourite lake." The third guy said. "My partner was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chilli, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
LENS ME YOUR EARS
Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured. he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him. "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered. Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears. Steve got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question. Do you notice anything different about me? And she replied: Well. you have no ears. Steve again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: Do you notice anything different about me? And to his surprise. the young man answered: Yes. You wear contact lenses. Steve was shocked. and said. "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied. "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
EASTENDER JOB
Jim Morrison in one corner with the rest of his band. In another corner are John Lennon. Paul Mcartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are stark bollock naked!
Gillian Talyforth walks in. drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink Oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she's finished she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a mini-Cooper. He jumps out. grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts. "Oi. you"re only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
STARTER FOR SEX
There were 2 blokes in a pub discussing their indifferent sex lives. One bloke says to the other. "How's your sex life mate?" The other bloke says. "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half way through. It's very frustrating. " The first bloke says. "Yeah. I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other bloke says. "OK. I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the pub again. The first bloke says. How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other bloke says. "Fuck mate! Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual. she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said." The first bloke says. "So what happened?" The other bloke says. "She bit my cock off, shat in my face, and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"
INTO THE COOKING POT
Three men take a walk in the forest and get lost. They come across a tribe of Cannibals. The Cannibals strike a deal with the men. If each of them go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit. the Cannibals might not eat them. The first guy comes back with 10 apples. The Cannibals say if you can stick all 10 apples up your ass without making a noise or changing your facial expression, we won't eat you. The guy sticks the first apple up his ass and screeches in pain. The Cannibals then eat him. The second guy comes back with 10 cherries. The first cherry goes in no problem, then the second. third all the way up to eight. When he sticks the ninth cherry up his ass he starts cracking up laughing. So he gets eaten too. Up in Heaven the first guy meets the second guy and asks him what the hell happened. he was only 2 cherries away from surviving. The second guy replies that when he was sticking the 9th cherry up his ass he saw the third guy coming back with 10 Watermelons.
WOMEN STUFF
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q: What's the difference between a woman with pms and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A: Money.
SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied: "If you must know. I was with another woman". "Bastard" She cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do" He answered. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" She asked. "Nope. she looks the same and she is 98 years old." "Well then. what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease".
ON THE PISS
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said. "OK. so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out. without thinking. "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine." said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein". said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."
BRAIN CELLS
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short. so to speak, And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.
After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as:
"Mr. President."
GOLF BALLS
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men. and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph. oooh. nnooo. I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes." he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted. and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him. "How does that feel?"
To which he replied. "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
TOMMY COOPER
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm. I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes. this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?'. I said [butchly] 'Sorry. I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [camply] 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper. get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along. and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
THE "PREDICTED" TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS
10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci-Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
6) Ru Paul - Prostate Cancer
5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna - Exposure
3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
and the "Predicted" NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH
1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
NEEDS FILLING
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said "I’m sorry honey. I’ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected. turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later. he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
SOLD
A woman woke up and told her husband about her last night’s dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1.000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn’t get a bid!"
Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his last night’s dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one’s sold for $1.000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That’s where they held the auction."
GOOD ON’YA GIRL
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G’day Sheila! What the f*^k do you think you’re doing ?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye & says "G’day Bruce - You got me pregnant & so now I’m gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this & says "Sheila. not only are you a great lay, but you’re a real sport too".
E-MALE
An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea. hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It’s only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn’t wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But. but. that’s impossible." stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware-how did you manage?"
"Oh. that was no problem." the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let’s row over to my place, then." she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead. dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually. "It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you." he said, still dazed. "I can’t take any more coconut juice. It’s not coconut juice." the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced. "I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism..
"This woman is amazing." he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me." she began suggestively. slithering closer to him. "We’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months? You know...."
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing: "You mean. . .." he replied. "I can check my e-mail from here?"
HARD ON
The CDC and FDA released a joint announcement today, warning men who are taking iron supplements to avoid taking Viagra, lest they find themselves continually spinning around and pointing north.
PARDON?
Big Reg. one of the most notorious armed robbers and criminal masterminds in the area, having served his sentance, has just got out of prison and he meets up with his partners in crime, who have been looking after the cash proceeds of the crime.
Reg says "OK lads. where’s my money?" Del, the first of the robbers, says "Here you are Reg. 25.000 as promised mate" Pete then gives Reg the 25 grand he’s been holding, as does John and then Andy.
The remaining criminal, Fred. who is completely deaf says nothing, Reg asks "What about Deaf Fred’s money?".
Then, remembering Deaf Fred’s condition, Big Reg asks Pete "You do that deaf person’s sign-language thing - you ask Fred where my f****ing money is!" Pete, in sign language to Fred, gesticulates "Where’s Reg’s money?".
Deaf Fred answers back in signs, saying "I don’t know Reg".
Pete says to Reg "He says he doesn’t know Reg". Known for his short temper, Reg pulls a fearsome looking gun, holds it to Deaf Fred’s head, cocks the trigger and says "Give me my f****ing money or I’ll blow your goddamn brains out!"
Things are getting a little tense and, despite his disability, Deaf Fred gets the gist of the request (he can lip-read a bit), so Deaf Fred proceeds to answer in sign language, to Pete. Fred gesticulates "If you go to my house, ask my wife and she will give you the key to left luggage box #253 at King’s Cross Rail Station, that’s where you’ll find the money". Big Reg, gun still turned on Deaf Fred’s head. is getting more frustrated by the second and asks "Pete, hurry the f**k up. what the hell did he say?".
"He said ‘bollocks!’ Reg"
ARE YOU BEING SERVED?
What’s the worst thing a gay waiter can say to you?
"Can I push that stool in a little for you Sir?"
ALIEN NIGHTS
The UFO lands in the back of beyond.
Two aliens disembark, one seemingly more feminine than the other. They call at a local farmhouse, the only habitation in sight and meet up with the farmer and his wife.
Within minutes the aliens have learned our language and explained that they are also a married couple, from a planet 2 million light years from earth. They have only a short time on Earth and need to be off again in the morning. After a few hour’s polite conversation the male alien asks if it would be possible to have sex with "the earth woman". As they’d all got to know each other quite well and there was nothing on TV, the farmer’s wife says that’ll be fine, as long as the alien woman will have sex with her husband. After all, they’ll be gone in the morning and no-one will ever know. The time comes when they are all happy to ‘go for it’. In the master bedroom the male alien strips off and the farmer’s wife is clearly shocked at what she sees. The male alien, a sensitive soul. can see she is upset. "Please. what is the matter?" he asks. She says. "Oh. it’s nothing really, it’s just that your thing, you know, your willie, your penis - it’s a bit smaller than I was expecting".
"Please, come here to me earth woman, hold me close and with your beautiful earth hands, take hold of my ears and twist and tweek them. My penis will grow as large as you wish. Squeeze them to make me grow long and twist them to make me grow thick". After the most astonishing night of passion that she has experienced in her life, morning comes. the aliens leave early and, once again alone with her husband, she asks her farmer husband "How was your session with the alien woman?"
"Bloody awful, all she did all night was tweek my f***king ears."
HUNTING SEASON
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK. truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck. And heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said. "What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well. sure." said the patrolman. "But you can’t bait ‘em."
GERMANY CALLING
Rover GROUP From BMW Headquarters.
We at BMW feel that members of our UK operation could benefit from knowing certain auto terminology used by your German counterparts. This should avoid embarrassment at our interdepartmental meetings. Therefore before the next technical meeting please make the effort
read and inwardly digest the following :
INDICATORS.........................Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
SPEEDOMETER...................Der Egobooster
PUNCTURE...........................Die Phatte mit Bludyfucken
LEARNER..............................Die Twaten mit Elplatt
ESTATE CAR........................Die Bagsromm fur Shagginkinauto
WINDSCREEN WIPER........Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden
FOOTBRAKE.........................Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik
BREATHALYSER.................Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen
SEATBELT.............................Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper
HEADLIGHTS........................Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud
FOG WARNING.....................Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit
HIGHWAY CODE..................Der Wipen fur Arsen
TYRES.....................................Phlattfarts
TRAFFIC JAM........................Der Bluddinfukkin damnundblasten
BACKFIRE..............................Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT.......................Der Fukkengret trucken
ACCIDENT...............................Der Bleedinmess
NEAR ACCIDENT...................Der Fucken neer schittenselfen
CYCLIST....................................Pedalpushen pilloken
REAR VIEW MIRROR.............Der Yokhunter TooKlosen
WANKER
An executive was in quandry. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra. I've never done this before. but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied: "Could you jack off. I have a terrible headache."
IF YOU WANT TO GET AHEAD….
A man is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots and he can't wait to show them to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As his wife emerges from the bathroom. her husband asks. "Well.honey. do you notice anything special?" To which the wife replies. "Yeah, it's limp!" "It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!" "Well next" time buy a hat."
CAMELOT
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed. 'Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe. 'said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the grateful monarch. 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device. King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed before he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur. 'My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But. alas. Sir Galahad was speechless!
MORE WOMEN STUFF
Training Courses now available for Women:
1. Silence. the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait until after the game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You.
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort. Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want. Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behaviour: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon. Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humour of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
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